Ah, the black woman. Having to show the world that you think you're the shit. Just to feel like shit. It's true. I've been there, you've been there. It's something we thrive off, even though we wind up hurting ourselves in the end.
Throughout quarantine, I've had the opportunity to sit back & reflect on my past two years in Atlanta. I was intimidated by being the small fish in a big city full of successful black people that I couldn't compete with. I wasn't acting myself, dressing like myself....basically, not really taking care of myself. I could take this opportunity to blame it on graduate school, but that'd be a punk move. It was me being insecure.
Insecure is such a cringe word for me, because it's looked down upon in my household. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad it was. I've never had problems with body image or low self-esteem (due to my high self-esteemed mother). However, it shatters my ego to use it & allows me to put my pride to the side..just to realize...I'm not perfect.
To fix what I was feeling, I realized that there were three things missing from my life that were crucial:
1. a HEALTHY relationship w God (a whole 'nother conversation)
2. a deep sense of self (who is Kyia? Who is she as an adult? What will she become?)
3. INTENTION (If I don't know who I am now, when do I want to start discovering it?)
I had a conversation w one of my closest friends & she told me things that no one else could have. Things that I needed to hear to get me out of whatever planet I was living on....to take me back to reality. From God, career choices, her telling me what to do and what not to do, lol), this opened up a tiny spark in me that I thought I'd lost a long time ago.
This is when I became intentional.
I don't want to be comfortable like anyone else anymore. I desire to live a life of risks (solely guided by God), mistakes (to learn and grow from), and rediscovery of who Kyia really is.
For a long time, I felt misunderstood and sometimes, I still do. Even by the people that have known me since the day I was born. I didn't recognize it then, but I know that I'm special. Not in the stupid kind of way, but I have a unique journey that God is guiding me on that no other person would be able to relate to. I will do things that would make little girls see themselves in me.
I want that little black girl, whenever I'm walking down the hallway at a gala with a big ball gown on, see my natural hair, point at me and say to her mom, "She looks like me." #representation
It took putting my fears to the side (currently working on), opening up my heart, intentionally doing things that I want to do (not to do it to make myself miserable, and comfortable at the same time), and being myself.
I was always hard on my friends for doing things, not sticking to them, dreaming things that weren't even in the bandwidth of what they were currently doing, then having everything not follow through because they gave up. It was frustrating to watch, because I desperately wanted to live vicariously through them, but they kept letting me down...and that was my fault.
I allowed my fears to contribute to another person's life that had nothing to do with my journey and the path that God created for me. Just me.
I've decided to stop allowing fear of losing friends, gaining enemies, and losing myself get in the way of who I'm destined to be. That's unimportant. I'm definitely on a path of righteousness and it starts now.
I'm making a promise to my self:
"Kyia, by next April, your life will be totally different than what it is now. You will be holy, happy, fruitful, and have exceeded things beyond your expectations."
If I've ever been flaky, please believe that I'm dead serious this time around.